Michael Ian Black on Being a Candidate to Take Over a Late-Night Network Talk Show

Because, at the end of the day, I believe telling topical jokes and interviewing C-level celebrities is a higher calling. If this were the Middle Ages, talk-show hosts would be the priests, their guests the penitents. Or not. I don't know. Regardless, it's a hell of a lot better than what I'm currently doing, which is expounding on the cultural significance of The A-Team for VH1. (When they asked me for my occupation on my income tax return this year, I wrote down "Fundit," and almost collapsed from depression.)

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard...

I am here to recommend the White Chocolate Milkshake available through the holidays at Steak 'n Shake. I'm not a big shake person, but if you find yourself wanting a milkshake and are near a Steak 'n Shake, by all means try it out. I'd like to add that I am in no way affiliated with Steak 'n Shake, although I wouldn't turn down and sort of compensation for the free advertising here.

Note: I wonder if Steak 'n Shake would be nearly as popular if they would have went with their original name: Meat 'n Milk.

A Little Something From McSweeney's on Thanksgiving

Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
BY ALYSIA GRAY PAINTER
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Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every ten minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. Was I correct?
A: Not at all. The turkey is merely the vehicle for the basting. In a recent poll, nine out of ten people would rather sit down at the table and suck on the end of a baster full of buttery juices than gnaw at some dry old wing. Bad call.

Q: I just overheard my co-worker advising a home cook to truss the bird. I arrived late at the "Talk Turkey" seminar last week and missed the trussing segment. Can you advise?
A: Trussing, while not the chef's best friend, is that pleasant acquaintance you see about once a year and always have a compliment for. Trussing is legal in every state. Trussing comes from the word "truss," which means to truss, or tie string or put pins in a turkey to help it stay in a pretty poultrylike shape that is pleasing to the eye. Cooks must remove pins and string before consuming. If a caller wants to know if she should truss, you should tell her you only go around this crazy world once. Trust truss.

Q: Cinnamon or nutmeg?
A: Cinnamon is a nice spice people are comfortable consuming throughout the year, sprinkled either on toast or in a delicious coffee beverage. Nutmeg is a nasty, gritty substance that wants nothing to do with us in the spring or summer but demands our favor come November, only to disappear to the back of the shelf for another year. Why do we continue to accommodate this so-called seasoning? Nutmeg is a stupid jerk.

Q: I just hung up with a caller with the words "gobble gobble" instead of "goodbye"—was this appropriate?
A: No. Make sure you note that in your report to your supervisor on Monday.

Q: The vending machine on the second floor is broken and we're starved. Should we call maintenance?
A: Maintenance is home eating a proper dinner with family and friends. Go to the office kitchen and look in the cupboard behind the fridge. There will be a half-eaten box of Triscuits there, because every office kitchen in existence contains a half-eaten box of Triscuits in the cupboard behind the fridge. Triscuit dust is an acceptable snack when poured into a small paper cup and drunk in the manner of water. Do not use a straw.

Q: My boyfriend didn't care if I worked the holiday. Is our relationship in trouble?
A: Perhaps your boyfriend wanted to watch football unencumbered and without you fussing around with gravy boats and miniature marshmallows. If your boyfriend is a fresh-faced soap star who wants to move up to Broadway, look for him tap dancing his heart out in front of Macy's around 10:35 a.m.

Q: I've been answering calls from perplexed home cooks all day and I still don't know why we bother, really.
A: Everyone talks about the bickering relatives and the burnt yams, but few talk about taking a weekday to eat and nap and gossip with a sibling about another sibling. No one owns it. No focus group studies it. Just you and a mostly empty bowl of stuffing and no clean utensils, so use your fingers already.

It May Be God's House, But This Time Jesus Is Getting His Own Room

There is a church up the road from our house that is attended by a certain politician who happens to have a powerful job here in Georgia. I don’t want to give it away, but his name rhymes with Honey LeDoux (which, by the way, would make an excellent stripper name if anyone is in the market). After Honey got elected to his “powerful job” this already big church began building an even larger building right next door. It was completed in October and it is now being used as their new sanctuary. I’m not trying to imply that this church got the ball rolling on their new building only because a member of their flock happened to be elected to the highest political office in the state, although it may be easy to infer that from what I typed. I don’t really care if, uh, let’s say the leftover money in Honey’s campaign fund got put in his church’s expansion pot. I’m not even sure if that would be illegal. They could probably chalk it up as a big ol’ faith-based initiative, but forget all of that. The reason I’m writing about this is because this church is beyond huge. It’s ginormous. It’s hella-big. I have noticed more and more of these huge churches popping up everywhere. I have never understood why churches get so big. It seems to me that people would feel lost and there would be a very impersonal feel to a church that is so big. I also don’t know what they could possibly do with that much space. It can’t all be for the actual church service, so I started doing some investigating and here are some of the features in these new huge churches.

• Retractable roof
• Olympic-sized baptismal pool (w/water slide)
• Bat cave
• Ark (just in case)
• 24-hour Laundromat
• Stadium seating

(Note: this picture does not show the old church which is right next door or the gym or the big parking lot or...)

Here They Come Walking Down the Street...

"Damnit, I thought we were going with the khaki overcoats. Son, I asked you specifically and you definitely said khaki. And can't you guys slow down for a second? Walking in the rain isn't as easy as jumping out of a plane, you know?"

So You Want to Fake Being an Indie Rock Expert?

This is kind of long, but very funny.

Also, there's a Damon & Naomi referene in Step 4.

Meet the Authors of Blogs That Coincidentally Share the Name of a Tom Waits Song

Big in Japan
Written by: former Major League Baseball slugger that finished his career in Japan only to stay there and become a producer of straight-to-video anime
Most recent post: “I can’t freakin’ believe the Red Sox won!”

Chocolate Jesus
Written by: Disgruntled Easter Candy Maker
Typical post: ends with thoughts of converting to Judaism

Earth Died Screaming
Written by: an environmentalist
Most recent post: warnings on drilling in Alaska with a particularly lengthy bit on the beauty of the caribou

The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
Written by: Billy Joel
Most recent post: tells of how that house just jumped right out in front of him

16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought Six
Written by: an NRA member
Typical post: contains at least one Ted Nugent quote

Tango ‘Til They’re Sore
Written by: a militant dance instructor
Typical post: complaints about the ineptitude of her students and stories of heartache concerning the man who got away

Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
Written by: a hooker from Minneapolis or Rhoda (1970-74)
Typical post: includes yet another story about the time she fucked Kirby Puckett or constant talk about desire to move back to New York

Renunciants Rancorous Regarding Rigorous Regulations for Renouncing

Article about the process of renouncing your citizenship... not that I have entertained the thought.

These Are Dangerous Times

I’d like to take a minute to address everyone who has said that the President really needs to reach out and try to heal the schism in this country between the two sides of the aisle. While I agree that would be nice, why in the world does he have to do this? His party has complete control. He won’t have to pander, appease, plead, beg, or pacify anyone. We are staring down the barrel of what will be, at the very least, a four year rightwing orgy. They have the support to do whatever their hearts desire. Quickly, who has a line on how long it will take to overturn Roe v. Wade? How long until there’s a new and even scarier enemy that Dick Cheney is warning us about? How long before we are asked to believe Iraq is over only to go off and invade another country? How long before even the smallest hint of dissent gets you labeled a terrorist and thrown in jail? How long before we are told that paying $3 for a gallon of gas is our patriotic duty in these unsettled times? How long before the airwaves are even more censored?

The ball is in the Republican’s court and not only that, but they own the court and the game being played now is practically just a scrimmage. These next 4 years are theirs to do what they will. As I see it they are either going to be successful (or more to the point, be successful at making people believe they are successful) or they will fail miserably enough to alienate just the right amount of their supporters to swing some of those votes back the other way. I disagree with their policies enough to know I’m not going to like a lot of what will happen. I’m also pessimistic enough to know they will be able to fool enough people into keeping them in power past the next four years. Anyway you look at it you lose.

They're Coming to Get You

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue

Kerry has called Bush and conceded. I'm sure that was a comfortable conversation. I shudder to think what the current administration has in store for us in the next four years. I'm sure some of it will be good, but I'm even more sure that a ton of it will be bad.

Q: What's worse than Bush winning?
A: Republicans gaining even more of a strangle-hold on our government through the House, the Senate, state governorships, etc.

It's bad enough that they managed to "reach across party lines" in most states by playing on people's hatred and fear of homosexuals, but now they will have no one to balance out their evil scheming and fear mongering in the near future. I also don't see anyway that the near future isn't going to turn into the indefinite future. The Democratic Party is in shambles. Sure, they proved that the country is almost evenly divided when it comes to overall numbers, but how are they going to turn things around in their favor? I'd like to think they have a plan, but it seems to me that they would have used that plan already if they did indeed have one.

Sometime in the late 90's I started loosing faith in the Democratic Party. I think it says a lot about them that they can't even win back someone like me, a guy who wouldn't vote for a Republican if his hair were on fire and Senator Bible Boy was giving out free buckets of water with every vote. I think all it would take to start the complete obliteration of the democrats would be for another crazy-ass, rich guy to come along (ala Perot) who could speak in a manner that would reach all those red states, yet be socially liberal and fiscally conservative at the same time. (Colorful southern colloquialisms are optional. Charts and graphs are discouraged. Void where prohibited.)

Anyway, we have gotten ourselves into a very thick and conservative soup that only appears to be getting thicker and more conservative by the day. Also, it's getting that disgusting layer of soup skin on top. I'm not sure what that is. Maybe it's the neo-cons rising to the top. Regardless, you've got to dance with them what brung you. I just wish we would stop bringing the Dick Cheney's, the John Ashcroft's, and the Tom Ridge's because they aren't dancing with us; they are sitting back quietly judging us and making us feel bad for trying to have a good time.

Here Follows Some Verses Upon the Burning of Our Democracy...

I have already voted today. It took me exactly one hour, which is not bad at all. If I had to do it over again I would have worn more comfortable shoes. Directly behind me in the line were two nurses who work together. They talked the entire hour. This wouldn't have been bad, but they did nothing but complain about the line. Here's a sample of their conversation:

Nurse 1: I can't believe it's taking this long.

Nurse 2: I know, I know.

Nurse 1: It shouldn't be taking this long.

Nurse 2: It seems like there could be a better system.

Nurse 1: I know, I know.

Listening to them was a real test of my patience and civility. Two years ago I voted at the same place and the line was much shorter. It took an hour and a half then. Other than the nurses and my shoes it was just peachy; as long as your definition of peachy is standing in a middle school gym with a sense of quiet disconnection and complete joylessness concerning the process in which you are about to participate.
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I read this from Bill O'Reilly's radio show last week:

CALLER: I'm calling today because I think it's fair to say that a large amount of the youth that are involved in this election now, this time around. And I just think that the majority of them are voting Kerry. Is that crazy?

O'REILLY: Yeah, I think the stoned slackers'll go for Kerry. I think he'll carry that vote. ... The stoned-slacker vote. Ummm -- but I don't know if they're gonna go. You know, look, Puff Daddy and his crew -- they're running around, "Vote or Die!" and all that. Yeah, it's good publicity to get on TV. Are they gonna get out? Are they gonna leave the bong and stand in line for an hour? I don't know.

I, for one, decided to take my bong with me and outside of being asked to obscure the "Badnarik for President" sticker on the base, it was allowed.
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I saw this headline today:

Bin Laden: Goal is to bankrupt U.S.

Uh, Mr. Bin Laden, we do a pretty good job of bankrupting ourselves with the people we elect. Thanks for your concern though.